INCIDENT AT LYMAN FOOD LION STORE #2642 INVOLVING PSYCHO CASHIER 0130 AND HER DIM-WITTED BAGBOY-FANBOY
It's the night before Christmas Eve, 2022 and I'm doing the very last of my Christmas shopping. I've just purchased a gift item, a Shelf Elf, down the road at CVS, exchanged 'Merry Christmases' with the friendly personnel there and traveled the short distance to the Lyman FOOD LION Store #2642 to make my final Christmas purchase, a Franzia Box Wine.
With it in hand, yours truly is full of the good old Christmas spirit as I head for the register where I want to complete this simple transaction and tell all those present, 'Have A Merry Christmas!'
But the cashier and bagboy here do not want to have this kind of interaction with me. They have something else in mind.
: ( : ( : (
It's 10:20 PM and this FOOD LION closes in 40 minutes.
This should be a fun and cheerful Christmassy purchase. What could possibly go wrong?
As I approach the lone open register in the store (in hindsight, no way in hell to avoid these two assclowns - grrrrr!) the cashier, cashier 0130 per my receipt, smirks at me then looks at the bagboy who immediately joins in with her 'fun'.
No friendly smiles or warm season's greetings in this FOOD LION tonight!
I say, 'Hey', to break the ice, but she responds with a PSYCHO DEATH STARE while the dopey-looking bagboy looks on with a cretinous smirk.
It appears to be just the 3 of us in the store, me, the psycho cashier and her moronic bagboy, and these 2 THINGS are about to give me a 'private show'.
Henceforth, let us refer to the crazy cashier as THING 1 and it's witless bagboy-fanboy as THING 2. Marvelous!
THING 1 jerks the Box Wine from my hand as I'm not quite finished placing it on the belt and I look up to see that it is still giving me the PSYCH0 DEATH STARE!
I find this all strangely amusing...
THING 2 reminds me of the inbred banjo playing kid in the movie Deliverance. It looks away, still smirking, as I attempt eye contact.
Meanwhile, THING 2 is still seethingly mad, about what, I can't begin to fathom, and not speaking as it jerks away from me to scan my item.
Suddenly finding myself in THE TWILIGHT ZONE with the psycho THING 1 and the dim-witted THING 2 everything feels like it's happening in SLOW MOTION.
This time-dilation effect gives me a moment to reflect on what I'm observing and postulate a meaning behind it all...
It appears that what the psycho THING 1 is doing is a 'show' to impress the dim-witted THING 2 and judging by THING 2's face which continues to contort and smirk with goofy delight, THING 1's efforts are paying off and winning it over in a big way.
God, I hope these two produce non-viable eggs when they hook-up later.
But now it's time for me to pay...
THING 1 has scanned my item and has resumed it's PSYCHO DEATH STARE.
As the faux psychologist in me observes this strange insanity play out I realize that the fuel for some of this demented psycho-drama is THING 1's low self-esteem, due primarily to a negative body image as THING 1 looks like a more deranged version of serial killer Aileen Wuornos. Yuck!
I wonder how many dead bodies are in it's past...
As I insert my credit card into the reader an awful and ungodly smell of rotten eggs and putrid fish co-mingled with steaming sh!t enters my nostrils. THING 1 has apparently sh!t it's pants!
Hurriedly...
I complete the transaction with credit card and THING 1 quickly and forcefully stiff-arms my receipt at my face.
Wow! THING 1 is the gift that keeps on giving! At both ends! I almost laugh as I take the receipt but I'm holding my breath and trying not to choke on the puke that I feel welling up in the back of my throat...
I must escape these TWO THINGS if I want to live!
Having emptied it's bowels upon itself, THING 1 resumes it's PSYCHO DEATH STARE, never breaking character.
'An Oscar winning PSYCHOTIC performance! Three thumbs up!!!' - says Gene Roger Siskel-Ebert of THE DAILY PSYCHOPATH
Being a nice guy I somehow choke out the word, 'Thanks'. Again, THING 1 gives no reply. It just stares as it stands boldly and upright in it's invisible cloud of hydrogen sulfide and other noxious fumes.
...Whew, I've survived almost a minute among these THINGS!!! This must be FOOD LION's version of Survivor.
I'm glad I can leave now and finally get away from THING 1 and THING 2's very draining, foul-smelling and psychotic mating ritual and join the real world of sane and happy human beings who are full of Christmas cheer and start drinking.
As a last reminder of this night, THING 2 is still smirking like a little crazy jack@ss as I collect my Box Wine and leave.
I reported these two assclowns to FOOD LION and the store manager, Lacresha, invited me to the store to pick up a $25 dollar gift card which I'll redeem at another store to avoid THING 1's deadly sh!t clouds.
Y'all Have A Merry Christmas! ;-)