SURI - Sustainable Electric Toothbrush | B Corp™
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Overwhelmed and overstimulated - that 'just left the dentist feeling'
Do I have a Suri toothbrush? No, I don't. I considered buying one a few weeks ago but thought I'd wait until payday since these things are PRICEY. Since then, I've been stalked like a young gazelle across the grassy savannahs of the internet by ads for Suri toothbrushes - good ads, bad ads, creepy ads. It doesn't matter how much I ask, nay beg, the algorithm for reprieve, the ads just keep coming. Weird UGC ads of micro-influencers wink-nudging about the length of the battery life? Staged podcast interviews of anonymous tech bros talking about strawman 'other toothbrush brands'? Faceless jingly-jangly ads advising me to save my time and money? I've had them all. I dream in SURI ads now, I have SURI-themed nightmares, in which I am plagued by plant-based heads (what??) and UV lights (huh??) offering a 'just left the dentist feeling' (you mean poked, prodded, knifed at, and overcharged??? Ironically, SURI does exactly give me that feeling). I'm sure the AI ads are but a moment away, ensuring me that I am under constant threat of 'other toothbrush brands' who will steal my time and money and my loved ones from me. I've never encountered such an assault to my psyche before, never even heard of a toothbrushing app, but SURI would like me to believe that the world is full of these horrors and I, sweet little gazelle that I am, can only be saved by buying one of their product. I beg of SURI, let me be free of your marketing team's talking points. Did I get the message? Yes. Did I want the message? No - this is a goddamn toothbrush. Is the message working? Also no. I can confidently guarantee I'll never buy one of these god forsaken toothbrushes after they have so ruthlessly exposed the netizens of the UK to their artificially-created marketing pathogen. If I could guarantee the ads would stop if I bought one, then maybe, but I know this isn't how the world works. It's a war-zone out there, and every man must pick up their toothbrush and fight. I'll stick with my Oral B. Whatever the company is paying for its sponsored ads, I BEG them to lower the budget for this next quarter. THE MESSAGE IS OUT THERE. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE.